The award ceremony is over...here's the update.....

We had our WTF appointment on the 11th.

My doctor was great about really listening and answering our questions. He thinks that I may have over suppressed during our last cycle. I ended up with just two follicles. It was very disappointing but he is very hopeful that my next cycle will be more productive. So we started our second IVF cycle on Tuesday and I am feeling soooo hopeful. The doctor had completely changed all of my meds to hopefully increase my follicle development.

Is it strange that the injections don't scare me??? None of this seems to bother me....It's so clinical!!! I have a drug schedule and I just follow it. The only time I have any issues is when it doesn't work. The last cycle was devastating!!! We did everything we were supposed to do and I got two follicles. I can handle it if I go through everything and we get loads of follicles...They all fertilize but then I don't get pregnant. What has been worse so far for me is when you do everything you are supposed to do and then my body doesn't respond. What was it all for????

My husband has been wonderful...He had a really hard time after the last cycle. There was no blame as to why it didn't work but I think he got his hopes up just as much as I did. To be let down like that was torture. So having the break in between cycles has been great for us. Now that we have had a chance to regroup I think we are ready for what ever this cycle holds for us.

I'm getting lots of massage...I'm looking into Acupuncture and I'm hoping to include that into this cycle. I'm trying to take very good care of myself. Hopefully it will work this time!!!!

I'm a bad bad blogger!!! Sorry!

I'm sorry I have been incommunicado as of late. I know I should be more diligent with my updating. I got the message worms...hahaha my fellow Inconceivable.

So first http://itisinconceivable.blogspot.com/ Has given be an I love your blog award. I suggest you read hers as she is a huge source of inspiration and strainght for me. Thanks Worms!!! Considering how bad I have been updating...I don't deserve it!!!

So I would like to thank the academy for this honor....Oh...Never Mind!!! hehehe...

So as part of this prize, I have to answer a meme with one word answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? Kitchen
2. Where is your significant other? couch
3. Your hair color? Brunette

4. Your mother? quiet
5. Your father? peaceful
6. Your favorite thing? Husband

7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your dream/goal? mom
9. The room you're in? office
10. Your hobby? Running
11. Your fear? childless
12. Where do you want to be in six years? SHM
13. Where were you last night? dinner
14. What you're not? petty

15. One of your wish list items? lotto
16. Where you grew up? Massachusetts
17. The last thing you did? dinner
18. What are you wearing? jammies
19. Your T.V.? NEXT

20. Your pet? Sleeping
21. Your computer? slow
22. Your mood? sad

23. Missing someone? Ginny
24. Your car? Graphite
25. Something you're not wearing? shoes
26. Favorite store? Ann Taylor

27. Your Summer? Friends

28. Love someone? lucky

29. Your favorite color? Blue

30. When is the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? earlier

Now I get to give this award to 7 other bloggers so here are 7 other blogs that I love
1. http://itisinconceivable.blogspot.com/ I know she gave me the award...But anyone who names her blog from quote from The Princess Bride has become my favorite blogger.

2. http://bustedbabymaker.blogspot.com/ Probably one of the strongest women I have met online...She is a true inspiration. This is the moment she has been waiting for...I'm praying for you!!!

3. http://youraverageinfertilityblog.blogspot.com/ Gretchen...A women I met on The Nest and have been rooting for her since I have started this journey. I'm thrilled to see you are doing so well!!!
4. http://babyforballerina.blogspot.com/ I'm thrilled to say just got the BFP she was hoping for CONGRATS!!! I'm praying for you!!!

5. http://ourstorkgotlost.wordpress.com/ I love when people find their stork!!! She is another success story that I hold on to for hope. Very entertaining too!!! Thank you for your blog!!!
6. http://www.becoming-mom.net/ Another success story that I have loved following. The baby Jasper is an Angel!!! Congrats.

7. http://frenchfamilyjourney.blogspot.com/ Another nestie I have been following. Thank you for all the advice you have given me and all the other women on the nest...You are very wise. :)

So, if you have received this prestigious award please cut and paste the meme and choose your 7 fav blogs.

With friends like these.....

Well it finally happened! I'm having a hard time talking to my friends with children. Up until now It really hasn't bothered me discussing my friend's children. They are all wonderful...And that hasn't changed. And who knows I may just be becoming more sensitive about it. But I just feel like I'm the fifth wheel when these discussions come up.


We were over a friends house on Saturday evening with another couple. These are people I have been friends with since high school and I love them very much. But I really felt left out. Both couples have children...One has two wonderful boys the other an adorable son. While they were discussing the joys of parenthood I found myself bringing up my sisters kids or the subject I said I would never replace children with. MY CATS!!! We have two wonderful cats..Barnes & Noble. We love them very much but it is depressing that I'm actually pulling out kitty stories when they discuss their kids. Their is no comparison. And considering the only other subject I have in my life right now is our IVF cycles (which seems to silence the room and ends any flow of conversation especially with this group)I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't bother.

I refuse to lose friends over this!!! Infertility is really temporary...It's effects last forever but when I'm 60 it really won't be an issue. If we can't get pregnant on our own we will be adopting and these are the people I look forward to being part of our children's lives. But right now...It's very depressing.

Shock & Awe...Well...Not Really...

First off I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. My home computer exploded a while ago and I haven't had a moment (until now) to post from work. So I'm sorry worms that I haven't responded to your tag. I promise I will do it as soon as I get a chance.

Well now for the update...As you know our IVF cycle was canceled and converted to and IUI cycle in the beginning of September. Well I wasn't really hopeful that it was going to work and in a case like this I HATE being right!!!

I was completely prepared that it wasn't going to work. I had settled into that wonderful mind set where I had already moved on to the next cycle. I was getting geared up and ready. And then the UNTHINKABLE happened. And I know this is too much info but...My breasts started to hurt. Could be PMS but could mean...something else?? Then I felt exhausted all the time....And nauseous....And then the worst of all...I suddenly had hope. That horrible nasty little word. I am normally a very hopeful person. I can see the bright side in most situations. But a good case of infertility cure that rather quickly. Well...On Sunday I went in for my bloodwork in a really cheerful mood. THIS COULD BE IT!!!

Well...It wasn't "IT". Why didn't I just stay in that blissfully ignorant place where their was no hope?!?!? Sunday afternoon went from a full schedule of chores to a really bad meal, my first beer in a month and a half and a two and a half hour nap. I just wanted the day to be over. My husband was very supportive but he reacts to this stuff differently. When he is upset or stressed he putters around the house and cleans...He says that even if he is dwelling on a subject at least the house is clean...hahaha. I on the other hand would have to hang myself if I puttered and cleaned. That would just make me focus on what I was upset about. I need to nap in order to make the day go by faster and watch hours of mindless tv. Guilty pleasures are perfect on a day like this. MTV and VH1 are usually the biggest suppliers of shows like these. But they should be watch only in an emergency!!! Other wise you increase the chance of addiction to these shows and remember...Watching these shows use up blocks of time that you will NEVER GET BACK!!! Watch at your own risk!!!

So what next....Well Mark and I have decided to take this month off from IVF and take a needed break. We have our WTF appt with our doctor in early October so we can get our game plan set. Otherwise...I'm ready for a nice deep breath and a month of taking care of my self to prepare for the next cycle. Some massage... Acupuncture...And a lot of YOGA!!!

Hope you are all doing well!!!

Well...This one is a bust! Well...Sort of...

The words "NOT FAIR" just don't sum it up correctly.

Our IVF cycle was canceled today.

I have been on Gonal-F (Stimulation Meds) since Monday. I was worried for the longest time that we would go through IVF and I would produce too many eggs. Mark & Christine plus 8!!! Well...I couldn't have been more wrong. After a week of Gonal-F I have a grand total of...Drum Roll Please....TWO Follicles!!! TWO!!!! I received a call from the doctor's office that they had decided to stop this cycle and convert it to a IUI cycle. We go in tomorrow.

With our history(and our bodies) the chances of this working are slim. I'm trying to be as hopeful as possible but...I'm CRUSHED!!!! I was in my car on my way home from the dentist when the doctor's office called. I held it together while I talked to Kathy but as soon as I got off of the phone I fell apart. I screamed so loud I scared myself. Why does this have to be so hard????

Who knows...It could work!?!?! But I have already started gearing my self up for the next cycle. I think that preparing my self for this cycle to fail is the only way I will survive it. Mark is being wonderful...I just hope I'm doing enough for him. I can tell he's bummed. I know some how we'll get through this and have the family we dreamed of. But until then....THIS JUST SUCKS!!!

And I was doing so well.....

Ok...It has been a couple of days since this happened but I'm still amazed how insensitive people can be. The really hard part is that the person who said this to me is ONE OF US!! She has been going through fertility treatments for a year and knows all about what my husband and I have gone through. I know I have been on Lupron for a week and that will make me more sensitive but this still felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

I was at a birthday party on Saturday for a friend of ours. The birthday boy and his wife have been going through treatments but were on a supposed break over the past few months while they were in the process of purchasing a house. Well after all the "Surprise" screams the wife came over to myself and two other friends. She proceeded to rub her belly and have a huge smile on her face staring right at me. My first thought was that they had started treatment up again and was feeling bloated. Boy was I wrong!! She was smiling and saying that she was 3 months pregnant. She looked at me...rubbed my shoulder and said "You'll get there soon!". That stupid, condescending look that you get when you are the maid of honor in a wedding and people look at you with their head tilted and say "You'll be next!"

I swear to you I couldn't breath. I smiled and hugged her with a big congratulations and I am really happy for them...They have been struggling. But I know If the tables were turned I would have told her earlier in the week or at least when we were alone. Not in front of 40 of our closest friends. This is actually something we had talked about. We both knew how hard it would have been on the other person if one of us had been pregnant first which is what I figured would have happened. One of us was going to be the one who was pregnant first. I'm ok with that part but not how she handled it.

I proceeded to hunt down my husband to see if he knew about her pregnancy and he said he had just found out too. When he had seen the look on my face he realized how shocked and upset I was. He chose that moment to inform me (I guess so I wouldn't be so shocked) that another one of our friends was pregnant. I think he figured if I had forewarning I wouldn't be as upset. But I still hadn't recovered from the first shock. I had to walk very quickly to the ladies room in order to not fall apart in front of 40 other people.

I'm still feeling like I have been through the ringer. I'm better but this is going to take some time to recover. I'm not sure what I will say to her the next time I see her. I am happy for them...I just don't think she handled the situation the right way.

Happy Birthday to me??? Sort of???

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. Yes...This means I'm the closer to forty than I have ever been and I'm on the down slope of my 30's. It feels strange.

It made me think back to my 30th birthday. I remember my 30th birthday very well!!! It was technically the day of my first date with my husband (I say technically because we had been friends for so long that I didn't know it was actually a date. I had no clue he was even interested. He he still gives me a hard time about that. Even yesterday when he took me out for dinner...hehehaha)

Well the rest is history with Mark and I but something interesting dawned on me when I woke up that morning many hours before our fateful date over a few Margaritas. I woke up with the realization that I could quite possibly be married & pregnant with in the next 5 years!!! I had no clue who the father would be (Mark and I didn't admit until days later that we were actually interested in each other so I wasn't betting on him at the time.) but I realized that next 5 years would be monumental in my life. And I could not have been more right. Mark and I were married in 2005 and my life with him has been wonderful. Except for one huge detail. My prediction of a baby in 5 years was not meant to be. Even months before my 36th birthday I was holding out hope that I would at least be pregnant by the time I was 36. But due to my body not cooperating (Laparoscopy in June) and the start of my first IVF cycle starting in mid August I knew my prediction would not come to pass.

Am I sad? Some what. But I'm actually pretty good. I had given up the idea of being a young mother years ago. But starting out (hopefully) as a mother at 36 when my mother finished having her 5th child at 34 is somewhat a punch in the stomach. Who knew this would be the way things turned out?

I'm hoping that this first IVF cycle will be my last and I won't be posting something similar on my 37th birthday. Good God!!!