Shock & Awe...Well...Not Really...

First off I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. My home computer exploded a while ago and I haven't had a moment (until now) to post from work. So I'm sorry worms that I haven't responded to your tag. I promise I will do it as soon as I get a chance.

Well now for the update...As you know our IVF cycle was canceled and converted to and IUI cycle in the beginning of September. Well I wasn't really hopeful that it was going to work and in a case like this I HATE being right!!!

I was completely prepared that it wasn't going to work. I had settled into that wonderful mind set where I had already moved on to the next cycle. I was getting geared up and ready. And then the UNTHINKABLE happened. And I know this is too much info but...My breasts started to hurt. Could be PMS but could mean...something else?? Then I felt exhausted all the time....And nauseous....And then the worst of all...I suddenly had hope. That horrible nasty little word. I am normally a very hopeful person. I can see the bright side in most situations. But a good case of infertility cure that rather quickly. Well...On Sunday I went in for my bloodwork in a really cheerful mood. THIS COULD BE IT!!!

Well...It wasn't "IT". Why didn't I just stay in that blissfully ignorant place where their was no hope?!?!? Sunday afternoon went from a full schedule of chores to a really bad meal, my first beer in a month and a half and a two and a half hour nap. I just wanted the day to be over. My husband was very supportive but he reacts to this stuff differently. When he is upset or stressed he putters around the house and cleans...He says that even if he is dwelling on a subject at least the house is clean...hahaha. I on the other hand would have to hang myself if I puttered and cleaned. That would just make me focus on what I was upset about. I need to nap in order to make the day go by faster and watch hours of mindless tv. Guilty pleasures are perfect on a day like this. MTV and VH1 are usually the biggest suppliers of shows like these. But they should be watch only in an emergency!!! Other wise you increase the chance of addiction to these shows and remember...Watching these shows use up blocks of time that you will NEVER GET BACK!!! Watch at your own risk!!!

So what next....Well Mark and I have decided to take this month off from IVF and take a needed break. We have our WTF appt with our doctor in early October so we can get our game plan set. Otherwise...I'm ready for a nice deep breath and a month of taking care of my self to prepare for the next cycle. Some massage... Acupuncture...And a lot of YOGA!!!

Hope you are all doing well!!!

Well...This one is a bust! Well...Sort of...

The words "NOT FAIR" just don't sum it up correctly.

Our IVF cycle was canceled today.

I have been on Gonal-F (Stimulation Meds) since Monday. I was worried for the longest time that we would go through IVF and I would produce too many eggs. Mark & Christine plus 8!!! Well...I couldn't have been more wrong. After a week of Gonal-F I have a grand total of...Drum Roll Please....TWO Follicles!!! TWO!!!! I received a call from the doctor's office that they had decided to stop this cycle and convert it to a IUI cycle. We go in tomorrow.

With our history(and our bodies) the chances of this working are slim. I'm trying to be as hopeful as possible but...I'm CRUSHED!!!! I was in my car on my way home from the dentist when the doctor's office called. I held it together while I talked to Kathy but as soon as I got off of the phone I fell apart. I screamed so loud I scared myself. Why does this have to be so hard????

Who knows...It could work!?!?! But I have already started gearing my self up for the next cycle. I think that preparing my self for this cycle to fail is the only way I will survive it. Mark is being wonderful...I just hope I'm doing enough for him. I can tell he's bummed. I know some how we'll get through this and have the family we dreamed of. But until then....THIS JUST SUCKS!!!

And I was doing so well.....

Ok...It has been a couple of days since this happened but I'm still amazed how insensitive people can be. The really hard part is that the person who said this to me is ONE OF US!! She has been going through fertility treatments for a year and knows all about what my husband and I have gone through. I know I have been on Lupron for a week and that will make me more sensitive but this still felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.

I was at a birthday party on Saturday for a friend of ours. The birthday boy and his wife have been going through treatments but were on a supposed break over the past few months while they were in the process of purchasing a house. Well after all the "Surprise" screams the wife came over to myself and two other friends. She proceeded to rub her belly and have a huge smile on her face staring right at me. My first thought was that they had started treatment up again and was feeling bloated. Boy was I wrong!! She was smiling and saying that she was 3 months pregnant. She looked at me...rubbed my shoulder and said "You'll get there soon!". That stupid, condescending look that you get when you are the maid of honor in a wedding and people look at you with their head tilted and say "You'll be next!"

I swear to you I couldn't breath. I smiled and hugged her with a big congratulations and I am really happy for them...They have been struggling. But I know If the tables were turned I would have told her earlier in the week or at least when we were alone. Not in front of 40 of our closest friends. This is actually something we had talked about. We both knew how hard it would have been on the other person if one of us had been pregnant first which is what I figured would have happened. One of us was going to be the one who was pregnant first. I'm ok with that part but not how she handled it.

I proceeded to hunt down my husband to see if he knew about her pregnancy and he said he had just found out too. When he had seen the look on my face he realized how shocked and upset I was. He chose that moment to inform me (I guess so I wouldn't be so shocked) that another one of our friends was pregnant. I think he figured if I had forewarning I wouldn't be as upset. But I still hadn't recovered from the first shock. I had to walk very quickly to the ladies room in order to not fall apart in front of 40 other people.

I'm still feeling like I have been through the ringer. I'm better but this is going to take some time to recover. I'm not sure what I will say to her the next time I see her. I am happy for them...I just don't think she handled the situation the right way.

Happy Birthday to me??? Sort of???

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. Yes...This means I'm the closer to forty than I have ever been and I'm on the down slope of my 30's. It feels strange.

It made me think back to my 30th birthday. I remember my 30th birthday very well!!! It was technically the day of my first date with my husband (I say technically because we had been friends for so long that I didn't know it was actually a date. I had no clue he was even interested. He he still gives me a hard time about that. Even yesterday when he took me out for dinner...hehehaha)

Well the rest is history with Mark and I but something interesting dawned on me when I woke up that morning many hours before our fateful date over a few Margaritas. I woke up with the realization that I could quite possibly be married & pregnant with in the next 5 years!!! I had no clue who the father would be (Mark and I didn't admit until days later that we were actually interested in each other so I wasn't betting on him at the time.) but I realized that next 5 years would be monumental in my life. And I could not have been more right. Mark and I were married in 2005 and my life with him has been wonderful. Except for one huge detail. My prediction of a baby in 5 years was not meant to be. Even months before my 36th birthday I was holding out hope that I would at least be pregnant by the time I was 36. But due to my body not cooperating (Laparoscopy in June) and the start of my first IVF cycle starting in mid August I knew my prediction would not come to pass.

Am I sad? Some what. But I'm actually pretty good. I had given up the idea of being a young mother years ago. But starting out (hopefully) as a mother at 36 when my mother finished having her 5th child at 34 is somewhat a punch in the stomach. Who knew this would be the way things turned out?

I'm hoping that this first IVF cycle will be my last and I won't be posting something similar on my 37th birthday. Good God!!!

Who knew I was that interesting?!?!

I received a call from the IVF clinic last week and was very excited to find that my husband is not the only one who finds me interesting :)

They are doing a case study on IVF and stress and they have chosen me as one of the test subjects. At first I wasn't sure I was interested in adding one more thing to my plate but when they explained that there would be benefits to participating I continued to listen.

The test subjects are split up into two groups:

Group# 1 will receive certificates for massage

Group# 2 will be enrolled into a 10 week mind/body program which teaches you how to deal with stress in order to improve your chances of conceiving.

At first I was REALLY interested in Group# 1...FREE MASSAGE!!! SIGN ME UP!!! But the more I thought about it, learning de-stressing techniques would help me in my every day life and could possibly help me conceive. You know that old saying "Give a man a fish and he will eat today...Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime!" I'm sure I could stand to learn a few tricks.

Well after filling out mountains of paperwork and a number of surveys along with a phone interview with the program's therapist to decide if I was of sound mind (they actually asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with a personality disorder...If I have fits of rage to where I throw things...It's like they have never met any one who has been on CLOMID?!?!?!) I have been chosen for the MIND/BODY group. I'm very excited!!!

Hopefully this will be just one more thing to help my husband and I have the family we have always dreamed of.

I'm not broken...There is no fault...

I have seen this a lot lately on the Nest boards.

"I'm the broken one!" or "The fault is with my body!"

IF is hard enough with out all of these labels. I think if I started blaming myself I would feel "Broken". Neither me or my husband have done anything to deserve this. We didn't wrong someone in a past life to ensure that we couldn't have children in this life.
Labels just suck...I just don't want one!!! Nor do I think we deserve one.

I'm new here...But how did I get HERE???

My first blog...wow. I didn't think I would ever do this. But sometimes it's just good to have a place to write things down. And after the roller coaster we have been through I think this is a good idea to get it out.

A little background...

I have been married to my husband Mark for three wonderful years. I always heard that "You should marry your best friend." Well...I did! I'm very Lucky!!

We have been trying to conceive for about two and a half years and I still feel like I want to thumb my nose at and entire list of people who said that you can get pregnant the first time you have unprotected sex. This list includes but is not exclusive to...every biology teacher I ever had...High school health teacher...and of course...Dear old Mom. Remember all those times you heard some urban legend in school where some girl got pregnant from french kissing her boyfriend in the back seat of his Monti Carlo SS (Yes...I am a child of the 80's). Oh how I would kill to be that girl...Of course with out the Monti Carlo SS.

Diagnosed with Endo on 6/11 during a Laperoscopy.

After Three failed IUI's we are about to start IVF this coming month. The days of being a pin cushion are about to commence and I'm excited and terrified all at the same time.